An oldie


Senior Member
Found this 5 year old post when doing some searching.

You may have read it but it's pretty funny. I didn't know which section to post it in. If there's a better place, please move it.



Nov 28, 2005
Moved in to my new Hermosa Beach house at last. Finally, we live in the
smartest house in the neighborhood. Everything's networked. The cable
TV is connected to our phone, which is connected to my personal
computer, which is connected to the power lines, all the appliances and
the security system. Everything runs off a univeral remote with the
friendliest interface I've ever used. Programming is a snap. I'm like,
totally wired.

Nov 30
Hot Stuff! Programmed my VCR from the office, turned up the thermostat
and switched on the lights with the car phone, remotely tweaked the
oven a few degress for my pizza. Everthing nice & cozy when I arrived.
Maybe I should get the universal remote surgically attached.

Dec 3
Yesterday, the kitchen CRASHED. Freak event. As I opened the
refrigerator door, the light bulb blew. Immediately, everything else
electrical shut down -- lights, microwave, coffee maker -- everything.
Carefully unplugged and replugged all the appliances. Nothing.
Call the cable company (but not from the kitchen phone). They refer me
to the utility. The utility insists that the problem is in the
software. So the software company runs some remote telediagnostics via
my house processor. Their expert system claims it has to be the
utility's fault. I don't care, I just want my kitchen back. More phone
calls; more remote diag's.

Turns out the problem was "unanticipated failure mode": The network had
never seen a refrigerator bulb failure while the door was open. So the
fuzzy logic interpreted the burnout as a power surge and shut down the
entire kitchen. But because sensor memory confirmed that there hadn't
actually been a power surge, the kitchen logic sequence was confused
and it couldn't do a standard restart. The utility guy swears this was
the first time this has ever happened. Rebooting the kitchen took over
an hour.

Dec 7
The police are not happy. Our house keeps calling them for help. We
discover that whenever we play the TV or stereo above 25 decibels, it
creates patterns of micro-vibrations that get amplified when they hit
the window. When these vibrations mix with a gust of wind, the security
sensors are actuated, and the police computer concludes that someone is
trying to break in. Go figure.
Another glitch: Whenever the basement is in self-diagnostic mode, the
universal remote won't let me change the channels on my TV. That means
I actually have to get up off the couch and change the channels by
hand. The software and the utility people say this flaw will be fixed
in the next upgrade -- SmartHouse 2.1. But it's not ready yet.

Dec 12
This is a nightmare. There's a virus in the house. My personal computer
caught it while browsing on the public access network. I come home and
the living room is a sauna, the bedroom windows are covered with ice,
the refrigerator has defrosed, the washing machine has flooded the
basement, the garage door is cycle up and down and the TV is stuck on
the home shopping channel. Through- out the house, lights flicker like
stroboscopes until they explode from the strain. Broken glass is
everywhere. Of course, the security sensors detect nothing.
I look at a message slowly throbing on my personal computer screen:
WELCOME TO HomeWrecker!!! NOW THE FUN BEGINS ... (Be it ever so humble,
there's no virus like the HomeWrecker...).

Dec 18
They think the've digitally disinfected the house, but the place is a
shambles. Pipes have burst and we're not completely sure we've got the
part of the virus that attacks toilets. Nevertheless, the Exorcists (as
the anti-virus SWAT team members like to call themselves) are confident
the worst is over. "HomeWrecker is pretty bad" one he tells me, "but
consider yourself lucky you didn't get PoterGeist. That one is really

Dec 19
Apparently, our house isn't insured for viruses. "Fires and mudslides,
yes," says the claims adjuster. "Viruses, no." My agreement with the
SmartHouse people explicitly states that all claims and warranties are
null and void if any appliance or computer in my house networks in any
way, shape or form with a non-certified on-line service. Everybody's
very, very, sorry, but they can't be expected to anticipate every virus
that might be created.
We call our lawyer. He laughs. He's excited!

Dec 21
I get a call from a SmartHouse sales rep. As a special holiday offer,
we get the free opportunity to become a beta site for the company's new
SmartHouse 2.1 upgrade. He says I'll be able to meet the programmers
personally. "Sure," I tell him.

Credit: posted to the geekhumor list by Adam Wilkinson
([email protected])
AutomatedOutlet said:
Yesterday, the kitchen CRASHED. Freak event. As I opened the
refrigerator door, the light bulb blew. Immediately, everything else
electrical shut down -- lights, microwave, coffee maker -- everything.
Must be using one of those original Z-wave modules. :blink: